lost

I use to know who I was. I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I knew in what direction I wanted to go. But ever since you came and turned my world upside down, I've never felt more lost. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not the same person. I have no clue where I'm going. I'm aimlessly going around in a circle, trying to find myself. I lost myself, one long summer night. I want to find myself. I'm tired of feeling so small, and helpless. I've never felt so unsure of myself. I keep my head towards the ground as I walk the world. Constantly pulling at my clothes trying to act busy, trying to find some confidence in myself. I look in the mirror and ask myself who's the girl staring back at me? She seems so lost and unsure of herself. I've never been the girl who needed a guy, I was the girl guys needed. Now I just wish I had someone to help me find my way. Someone to hold my hand, make me feel like I'm worth something. Cause ever since that summer night, I've never felt good enough for anyone. You knocked me down, you dug my grave, pushed me down, and killed the girl I was. I'm trying so hard to find myself. I need to find that girl I use to be. The girl that always had a smile on her face, the girl who was so nice to everyone, and knew what she wanted. I thought I could find myself, I just didn't know it would be so hard. I didn't think it would hurt so much but it does. I didn't think I'd ever lose sight of who I am and where I was going.. but I did. It's been such a hard, lonely ride. This ride has been the hardest thing I've ever done. And what makes it harder is having to do it alone. I'm surrounded by so amazing people in my life, but yet I feel so damn alone. It's like everyone is moving on with their life and I'm still stuck in the past. And I don't want to be there. I want to move on. I want to be happy, like completely happy. I want to forget what happened but it's haunting me. I need to be stronger for myself. I'm standing in the dark, all alone, and I know I can't be here for the rest of my life. But every time I find a glimpse of light, I lose it in a blink of an eye and I'm right back where I started. They say God never puts you through more than you can handle, but I'm starting to doubt that. Cause it's getting so hard to handle everything. It's so much. Right when everything seems to be going right, it's like something new is being thrown at me. How much stronger do I possibly need to be? I've been through so much. I'm tired of fighting the same fight, over and over again. I just want it to end. I want everything to go away. I want to start over. I want to find myself. I want someone to help me find my way back. But for some reason, I've never gotten what I want. But it's not a matter of wanting things, I NEED these things... more than I ever needed anything in my life. And I pray and hope that everything works out the way it's suppose to. I pray that these are the hardest days I ever have to face cause quite frankly, I have no clue how I could possibly handle anything worse than this. Someone once told me the storm would eventually pass. I pray it does. I can't do this much longer.

Teenage Dream Gone Bad

I had everything going for me. I was living the teenage dream. It was perfect. Lazy days by the pool, nights filled with friends and drinks. I had the perfect guy.. well two. It couldn't have been better. It's like you sensed my life was better off without you, so you had to mess it up. It wasn't your normal way of messing up my life. You did something worse. You came and took everything I had. You were so cruel and heartless. You turned my perfect world into hell. You had your way with me, saw the pain in my eyes, and walked away. You acted like it was no big deal. My days and nights became lonely days spent in my room, crying the pain away. Wondering how a man could be so cruel? I pushed the guy i loved away. I dropped my friends like they were nothing. I was nothing. It was impossible to feel anything besides pain. My glamorous life was flushed down the toilet so fast. I waved good bye to the party girl inside me, and vowed to never let anyone get close to me ever again. They took you, and they locked you away. I should have felt relieved but all I could feel was pain. I cried and cried. After forty-one long sleepless nights, it was time to face you. They let you out. I didn't know how to act, I cried. I went to school and thought everything was going to be okay. Until you started haunting my dreams. There was no escaping you or what happened that summer night. I wanted more than anything to erase that night from my memory but I couldn't. I remembered what happened, like a line to my favorite song. It was eating me up. I tried everything to forget you. But when someone takes everything you have, it's so damn hard to forget. The people I thought were my friends, they left me. No one could deal with what happened. How could someone be cruel? I blamed myself. Why was I so nice? Why did I hang out with your sister? Why did I drink? Why did i have to walk her inside? Why couldn't I have just let her deal with her own problems? Why did you do that to me? WHY?! I had it all planned out, I knew if i ever saw you - I'd yell at you and hit you and ask why you did that. I'd throw things at you. Never did I think i'd ever really see you. But of course that day came, right when I least expected it. It happened so fast, it knocked the air right out of me. There was probably a hundred people around, but out of all of them, it was you that i spotted. It made me so sick. I had to keep walking because I didn't know what I'd do. I walked away. I drove home, crying. I cried so much I threw up. Over and over again. My world was spinning out of control. I no longer had control of anything. After I saw you, i started to feel so damn small and I felt like nothing. I was a nobody. I use to walk around with my head held up high, like i was something. And now, i keep my head down everywhere I walk. I can't stand the thought of ever running into you again. It has the potential of giving me a heart attack. You live your life like this is some joke. You go around doing whatever you feel like doing, with no care in the world. When you should be scared out of your mind. You should be living your life with caution. You should realize that your time is sacred, and some day it's going to come to a stop and you're going to get what you deserve. The truth is going to come out and you're going to get locked away. Everyone is going to know about the god aweful thing you did that summer night, that you tried so hard to hide. I hope it eats at you, like it does me. I hope you can't sleep at night. I hope it replays in your head before you fall asleep. I hope when you close your eyes you see my face as it was back in July. I hope when you're laying in bed trying to go to sleep, a million thoughts cross your mind and you lay awake until the crack of dawn. I hope when everything is going perfect and you are so happy, I hope you think of what happened, and just break down and cry. I hope you realize you are a piece of shit. I hope one day you look in the mirror and ask yourself "what have i become?" and I hope when you're looking in the mirror, I hope it makes you so damn sick. I hope your stomach turns upside down every time you think about me. I hope you think about the long lonely nights that await for you, in an empty cell. I hope more than anything in the world, that you realize you did something cruel and confess your sin. But i know no matter how much I hope, nothing will ever come true.. because you're a mean, heartless, cruel man. Go ahead, and put on a show for everyone and say God knows the truth- cause he does and he knows you're a damn liar. And you know what?! Go ahead and live a good life like nothing happened cause soon enough you'll be stuck in a four corner room with NOTHING in it besides a hard bed, a blanket. Go ahead, do whatever the fuck you want. DO IT. Cause when that day finally comes when the truth is finally out, and you're sent away... that's when I know it's going to eat you up inside. You'll be stuck in a room with nothing but your thoughts... and it's going to drive you crazy. I'll go on and live my life, and become stronger.. and hopefully get back to normal. I'll live the life I was always destined for... and you. Well, you'll have nothing. You'll live the hell i lived. And every day you're there, will be a slap across your face and remind you of the stupid, heartless thing you did to me. Maybe then you'll realize you can't always do what you want and get away with it. Not everyone is going to let you have your way with them. I almost let you get away with it, I didn't want to tell. I didn't want anyone to know how aweful of a person you were. No matter how messed up my head was, i didn't want anyone to know what you did but i knew i had too. Maybe, you'll realize after everything you ever did to me, the times you fooled me, the times you used me, the times you lied to me, the times you yelled at me, and the night you pushed me down and took everything from me, maybe once you're in your lonely cold, dark room, you'll realize you're a piece of shit and change. Maybe there's hope for you. Or maybe you'll always be a mean, heartless, cruel person and go nowhere in life...

SECRET LOVE LETTER

Dear Lover,
It's been awhile. I miss you more than anything in the world. You were my rock. My guardian angel. My best friend. My lover. My boyfriend. My happy ending. My everything. Even though you're gone, i can still feel you all around me. Every where i go,i can feel you. You're in my heart. You're in my mind. You're in the air i breathe. You're in every song i hear. You're in every boy i see. You're in my room. You're everywhere.

I miss your beautiful face. I miss your smile. I miss your eyes. I miss your hair. I miss the touch of your skin. I miss your lips. I miss your bowlegs. I miss the feeling i got every time we were together. I miss you soo much.

Ever since you've been gone, my worlds turned upside down. Nothing can ever go right. I'll be happy for so long, then something always happens... Something happens to remind me of you. The boys i date, well they aren't you. The boys i kiss, they aren't you. You're all i can think about. You're all i want. You are everything i ever wanted and needed. Although, you did some really bad things - you are all i want. I'd trade in everything i have to have you back in my life. I'd do anything to go back to how it use to be. When we were in love. When all we wanted to do was be with each other. When we wanted to lay on your couch and watch movies all summer. In the summer, how'd we'd always go to the pool. Remember the times we'd skip school? We always had fun. We were always happy. We both wanted the same things. We wanted to be with each other. You made all these plans for us. And in a blink of an eye, everything we once had - was gone. To this day it's hard for me to ever understand why you wanted to give it up.

I love you. I've loved you from the beginning. I love you now. And i'll always love you. I can't fight it anymore. I try to brush it off, and keep going on with my life but i can't just let go of you. I don't think we will ever be together, but i know i'm never going to get over you. It's impossible, it's been seven months and i still can't get over you. I know there's some sort of reason. Maybe you really were my first true love. You were a big part of my life, always have and always will be. I'm done trying to fight that. Its just the way it is. You will always be a part of me. You made me who i am today. You will always be in my heart, forever engraved.

Because i'm stubborn, i will never tell you any of this. I will never tell you that i miss you or that i want you back. No, i will never do that. I will never tell you about all the times i want to cry. I will never tell you how much it hurts. I will never tell you that it's you that i want. I will never tell you any of this because i don't want to be weak. I will continue to live my life and go on as normal, and never say a word to you. I will continue to date, kiss other boys, party, do what makes me happy, i will continue to live my life as if everything was fine, as if i never thought about you. You'll think i'm doing fine. You'll think i've moved on. You'll think i'm soo happy. You will think nothing but false information. Because, i will live my life as if i don't miss you, but in my heart, i miss you. You'll always be in the back of my mind, wanting you. But i'll never tell you.

Always and forever,
Your lover.

Reasons for Heartbreak

They say everything happens for a reason, but i can't figure out the reason for this. What's the reason for all this hurt, pain, & tears? It hurts more than anything in the world. The feeling of worthlessness, and feeling as if you aren't good enough. I can't quite understand why you would do this to me. After everything that has happened, good & bad... everything.. i never could figure out what the reason was for this. How in the world do you just walk away from everything? It's like it meant nothing to you.. and meant everything to me. I'm so angry. I just want to know what's the reason for this broken heart.

Every song i listen to you reminds me of you. I feel you every where i go. I'm strong. I'm strong. I'm good enough. I'm good enough. I'm good enough. I'm good enough. I'm good enough. I'm good enough. I'm good enough.

I'm good enough, but i don't feel good enough.

BEST & ADDICTIONS

Often, we run and keep going back to something, like its some sort of addiction. Maybe it is an addiction - because we always want it. No matter how many times it gets us into trouble or how many times it screws us over. We constantly run back to it over and over again, for more. Why? Because its what we know best. It's what we are comfortable with. We know it better than anything in the world and has much as we hate to admit it, we hate change. That's why we run back, to our addictions. We feel so comfortable with it, we are scared to go on without it. Why, would we want something unfamilar when we can have something we know best. Our addictions make us feel safe, comfortable, and we love it. Because in life, we are never certain of anything. That's why we can never get rid of our addictions.

We know our addictions, inside and out. We know everything about them. We know how they make us feel and we love it. We know they have the potential to ruin us but pray to God they don't. Our addictions make us strong but more than anything, they make us weak. Because our addictions, like ourselves, know everything about us. Our addictions know us best. And that is why it is hard to go on without them. They ignite the fire to our lives, giving us the best feeling in the world. The more we go back to our addictions, the bigger the fire grows. And while we keep feeding our addictions, the fire keeps growing and growing every day. Giving them the complete and utter control to ruin us completely. But as we know, we will continue to run back to our addictions because they are what we know best. They make us feel better than anything in the world. It's our comfort. It's our fun. It's something we cannot go without. It's something we need. It's something we want. It's something we could never get rid of. Because it's what we know best.

Things Never Change

It's funny you know? When you really want something, even though you know nothing has changed, yet you hope it changed - but in the end you just end up being let down & disappointed. And you're left feeling hurt & alone. It's like you could have prevented it all from happening if you wouldn't have taken the chance on that something. But often we take every chance we get because we believe that this time everything will be different and something great will happen. We take these chances because we think if we just walk away we'll miss out on something. So does that make us wrong for taking the chances even when we know nothing has changed? Or is it wrong for us not to take the chances. Life is a mystery and you never know what will happen if you don't take these chances. But does there come a point in life when you have to stop taking these chances because you have given that something many chances before?

How many chances am i going to take on you until i realize, things never change. It's the same with you every time. Yet I still sit there giving you chances after chances just so you can continue to let me down & disappoint me. I was just hoping this time it would be different. I wanted to believe in you but you just let me down completely. I don't even know what to believe in anymore because I believed you and you let me down, completely. I have to pick up the pieces and start all over again.