SECRET LOVE LETTER

Dear Lover,
It's been awhile. I miss you more than anything in the world. You were my rock. My guardian angel. My best friend. My lover. My boyfriend. My happy ending. My everything. Even though you're gone, i can still feel you all around me. Every where i go,i can feel you. You're in my heart. You're in my mind. You're in the air i breathe. You're in every song i hear. You're in every boy i see. You're in my room. You're everywhere.

I miss your beautiful face. I miss your smile. I miss your eyes. I miss your hair. I miss the touch of your skin. I miss your lips. I miss your bowlegs. I miss the feeling i got every time we were together. I miss you soo much.

Ever since you've been gone, my worlds turned upside down. Nothing can ever go right. I'll be happy for so long, then something always happens... Something happens to remind me of you. The boys i date, well they aren't you. The boys i kiss, they aren't you. You're all i can think about. You're all i want. You are everything i ever wanted and needed. Although, you did some really bad things - you are all i want. I'd trade in everything i have to have you back in my life. I'd do anything to go back to how it use to be. When we were in love. When all we wanted to do was be with each other. When we wanted to lay on your couch and watch movies all summer. In the summer, how'd we'd always go to the pool. Remember the times we'd skip school? We always had fun. We were always happy. We both wanted the same things. We wanted to be with each other. You made all these plans for us. And in a blink of an eye, everything we once had - was gone. To this day it's hard for me to ever understand why you wanted to give it up.

I love you. I've loved you from the beginning. I love you now. And i'll always love you. I can't fight it anymore. I try to brush it off, and keep going on with my life but i can't just let go of you. I don't think we will ever be together, but i know i'm never going to get over you. It's impossible, it's been seven months and i still can't get over you. I know there's some sort of reason. Maybe you really were my first true love. You were a big part of my life, always have and always will be. I'm done trying to fight that. Its just the way it is. You will always be a part of me. You made me who i am today. You will always be in my heart, forever engraved.

Because i'm stubborn, i will never tell you any of this. I will never tell you that i miss you or that i want you back. No, i will never do that. I will never tell you about all the times i want to cry. I will never tell you how much it hurts. I will never tell you that it's you that i want. I will never tell you any of this because i don't want to be weak. I will continue to live my life and go on as normal, and never say a word to you. I will continue to date, kiss other boys, party, do what makes me happy, i will continue to live my life as if everything was fine, as if i never thought about you. You'll think i'm doing fine. You'll think i've moved on. You'll think i'm soo happy. You will think nothing but false information. Because, i will live my life as if i don't miss you, but in my heart, i miss you. You'll always be in the back of my mind, wanting you. But i'll never tell you.

Always and forever,
Your lover.

Reasons for Heartbreak

They say everything happens for a reason, but i can't figure out the reason for this. What's the reason for all this hurt, pain, & tears? It hurts more than anything in the world. The feeling of worthlessness, and feeling as if you aren't good enough. I can't quite understand why you would do this to me. After everything that has happened, good & bad... everything.. i never could figure out what the reason was for this. How in the world do you just walk away from everything? It's like it meant nothing to you.. and meant everything to me. I'm so angry. I just want to know what's the reason for this broken heart.

Every song i listen to you reminds me of you. I feel you every where i go. I'm strong. I'm strong. I'm good enough. I'm good enough. I'm good enough. I'm good enough. I'm good enough. I'm good enough. I'm good enough.

I'm good enough, but i don't feel good enough.

BEST & ADDICTIONS

Often, we run and keep going back to something, like its some sort of addiction. Maybe it is an addiction - because we always want it. No matter how many times it gets us into trouble or how many times it screws us over. We constantly run back to it over and over again, for more. Why? Because its what we know best. It's what we are comfortable with. We know it better than anything in the world and has much as we hate to admit it, we hate change. That's why we run back, to our addictions. We feel so comfortable with it, we are scared to go on without it. Why, would we want something unfamilar when we can have something we know best. Our addictions make us feel safe, comfortable, and we love it. Because in life, we are never certain of anything. That's why we can never get rid of our addictions.

We know our addictions, inside and out. We know everything about them. We know how they make us feel and we love it. We know they have the potential to ruin us but pray to God they don't. Our addictions make us strong but more than anything, they make us weak. Because our addictions, like ourselves, know everything about us. Our addictions know us best. And that is why it is hard to go on without them. They ignite the fire to our lives, giving us the best feeling in the world. The more we go back to our addictions, the bigger the fire grows. And while we keep feeding our addictions, the fire keeps growing and growing every day. Giving them the complete and utter control to ruin us completely. But as we know, we will continue to run back to our addictions because they are what we know best. They make us feel better than anything in the world. It's our comfort. It's our fun. It's something we cannot go without. It's something we need. It's something we want. It's something we could never get rid of. Because it's what we know best.

Things Never Change

It's funny you know? When you really want something, even though you know nothing has changed, yet you hope it changed - but in the end you just end up being let down & disappointed. And you're left feeling hurt & alone. It's like you could have prevented it all from happening if you wouldn't have taken the chance on that something. But often we take every chance we get because we believe that this time everything will be different and something great will happen. We take these chances because we think if we just walk away we'll miss out on something. So does that make us wrong for taking the chances even when we know nothing has changed? Or is it wrong for us not to take the chances. Life is a mystery and you never know what will happen if you don't take these chances. But does there come a point in life when you have to stop taking these chances because you have given that something many chances before?

How many chances am i going to take on you until i realize, things never change. It's the same with you every time. Yet I still sit there giving you chances after chances just so you can continue to let me down & disappoint me. I was just hoping this time it would be different. I wanted to believe in you but you just let me down completely. I don't even know what to believe in anymore because I believed you and you let me down, completely. I have to pick up the pieces and start all over again.